i tried looking on the positive side of things; like everyone suggested. easier said than done.
every where i go it reminds me of you. it hurts. it hurts more than the time i cut my knee open in the swimming pools, more than the time i cracked my head open, heck, i'd rather a month's worth of period pains. atleast there WILL be a time when it will stop hurting.
everytime i think about you; tears begin to swell. i want to cry. i want to scream. i want to throw something. but i stop myself. i occupy myself with work, youtube, facebook. ANYTHING!
today, i gave in.
I MISS YOU SO FRIKKING MUCH! why me? why does this have to happen to me? havn't i been through enough already? why can't i have a 'normal' life?
it's not fair.
mum, i miss you. i want you back. i want to wake up and this be all a dream.
Hello bored people.
YES THAT'S YOU! Why else would you be on here reading this?
I know I haven’t blogged in AGES, probably because I cbf or just forgot I even
had this blog.
ANYWHO.
As you can tell from
my previous blogs, I usually only blog with I’m angry or upset or something
along the lines of that.
Yes, I am angry once
again.
So my grandma left
recently, NO SHE DID NOT GET DEPORTED. Her visa was due and plane ticket was
due blergh.
So she left on Monday.
At first I didn’t think too much about it, and then I realized, with her gone, I
have to do EVERYTHING now. Reason being, Edward is too young and mum... well
she can’t do ANYTHING anyways.
My new found chores:
Clean
Dishes
Washing
TAKE EDWARD TO SCHOOL
Make Edward breakfast
Make mum breakfast
MAKE MY BREAKFAST
Dinner.
Weigh and ‘cook’ mum’s
herbal medicine
Administer the black
brown medicine
Count, and administer
pills... (That’s 46 pills per dose... 3 TIMES A DAY!)
Roll out this smelly
thing, said its bat skin or something, into little balls so it’s swallowable.
SHOPPING. à Groceries.
Doesn’t sound tooooo
bad does it?
BUT!
On top of that... I
HAVE UNI!! EXAMS ARE COMING UP! How the FUCK am I meant to study?
Yeah my life is FAN
FUCKING TASTIC!
So yeah, I’m
physically exhausted, pretty much the only time I have to myself is at night,
WHEN EVERYONE IS ASLEEP!?
But that just
backfires on me as well, I have some MY TIME, do what I want, watch some TV,
facebook, play some games, msn here and there, and before I know it, its around
1 am. OH GREAT!
I take my shower, warm
up a bit and by the time in bed, it’s around 1.30.
Fall asleep and at
8.30 I have to get up. AND START THE DAY ALL OVER AGAIN.
Make Edward’s
breakfast and get him ready for school.
Come home and tend to
mum. ==’
You say maybe I shouldn’t
have time to myself?
DO YOU EVEN FUCKING
KNOW ME!? I don’t cook, clean or tend to others... it’s not in my BLOOD to do
that.
Even if I were to do
that… it would have to be when I’m married and have kids of my own.
I NEED MY ‘OWN TIME’
to do what every other teenage person does.
I feel like a whole
chunk of my life has been taken away from me.
It feels like a missed
my childhood, like I never had one.
Mum tells me how good I
had it, BLAH BLAH BLAH! What good is it if I can’t remember it?
I look around at
others (friends, family etc) and I’m jealous. Why can’t I have a ‘normal’ life
like everyone else?
Why do I have to have
so many responsibilities?
To my parents, they
believe that I HAVE to do all this, it’s MY duty.
BUT ISN’T IT THEIR
DUTIES TO LOOK AFTER ME?! Not the other way around?
I wrote a letter to
dad the other day. Told him how I felt about him etc etc and what he should be
doing along with other things.
He said to mum how
touched he feels rah rah rah and that he will move back to Sydney and tend to mum.
Sounds all good eh?
But does he mean it?
HELL TO THE NO!
He’s still being a
jackass, not being responsible to his kids.
Okay maybe I’m not his
daughter and he has to obligations to me, BUT EDWARD IS!
Every time he comes
back to Sydney, he always arrives early as fuck, storms in makes a shit load of
noise, totally disregarding if other people are asleep or not, rummages around,
eat, has a smoke, a shower and goes to sleep.
FFS! By the time he’s
in bed, all warm and cozy, IM FUCKING AWAKE. Awakened by his rummaging, and I can
I get back to sleep? NOPE! So I’m lying in bed with bloodshot eyes and
extremely pissed off. I get up and the house smells like cigarettes.
Being a bit allergic to
cigarettes... my eyes get inflamed and I stink of cigarettes.
GREAT WAY TO START THE
DAY.
A couple of hours
later he wakes up. GRREAT! It’s dinner time.
After dinner, we do
our things, shower and get ready for bed.
That’s when he goes
out. To meet friends or something. He comes home around 3 4 am, once again
storms in, TOTALLY NO REGARDS TO ANYONE ELSE. Once he gets in to bed, HE STARTS
A CONVO WITH MUM.
It’s early in the
night, everything is quiet, you can hear EVERYTHING. But all I hear is him
yapping away, in his annoying deep croaky voice.
Can I sleep? HELL TO
THE NO! So I’m lying there awake, once I finally doze off, Edward is awake. He goes
to the living room, turns the TV on and watches Pokémon or something. Simultaneously,
he’s bounding his hand ball, and makes the fighting noises with his swords.
We have tile like
floors, so I can hear and feel every ball bounce, and his fighting noises echo
through the walls and such.
I don’t want to tell
him off because he’s still a kid and it’s morning, why not get up and do what
every kid does!
Once everyone is up,
HE HAS TO GO BACK TO MELBOURNE!
I mean... What’s the
use of coming in the first place if you’re just going to disturb everyone/.
Also, recently... On Sunday
to be exact, dad came back… he got taught how to cook mum’s herbal medicine. After
I weighed the 18 different types of herbs out, he washed it and cooked it in
this huge clay pot.
Its just common sense
to empty out the pot after cooking with it right?
NOT IN HIS BOOKS!
He just left it there,
with the lid closed, on the ground, where the CLEAN pot is meant to be.
How did I find about
this? I was MAKING DINNER last night and was looking for the spatula, I thought
he might’ve left it in the pot (you need the cooking spatula thing to mix
everything) I opened the pot, and it’s full of the USED herbs.
By then the herbs had
gotten a bit stiffed and it was all compacted together, so simply tipping it
into a bag won’t empty it. I had to use a ladle and my hands to break it apart
and scoop all the herbs out. Took me a while.
If he had just emptied
it on the night, NONE OF THIS WOULDVE HAPPENED!
I still haven’t gotten
paid for gift-wrapping. I got pissed off so I sought out legal support from
uni. The solicitor picked up MANY errors in the way Blue Ribbon operated.
1. No tax
2. Banking ombudsman BS
3. Transfer of funds
with out permission
4. UNDER PAID
They currently owe me
$482.
I was advised to do
either 1 or 2 things first.
1. Go to their office
(they’re at H&R block on oxford St) and just sit there and demand my monies.
“I won’t leave till I get my money”
Or.
2. Send them an email
telling them it’s their last chance. They better pay me in 7 days or I will
report to fair work Australia.
I obviously took the 2nd
option, I sent them the email on Tuesday, so I’m waiting till next Tuesday, if I
don’t get anything, I’m reporting to Fair Work Australia.
I also discovered that
I have been underpaid. As I was over the age of 18 when I worked for them, I was
underpaid; I was getting around 12 an hour.
Minimum wage in Australia atm
is $14.85, SO YEAH! And being a casual/temporary, I’m meant to get even more.
But I need to check,
which I will be after they pay me my $482, JUST incase they don’t pay me a
single cent
Lalalala
Anyways. Onto something
a bit more pleasant.
IT’S MY BIRTHDAY
TOMORROW. I’m turning 19.
You know what I’m
getting for my birthday this year?
A year older T.T
Yeah, I’m having
dinner with the girls MINUS MAY AND EMIKO tonight to celebrate
i'm meant to be studying for tomorrows english paper 1 exam. but i feel.. slow. like nothing is going to sink in. i took a chocolate hit and a can of redbull, not working~ so then i ponder around on facebook (as i do when im bored...) some things happened/i realised blah blah blahhhh
1. saw a photo of jeff. LOL! that kid has changed since the last time i saw him. which was too long ago to remember~ i miss those days~ i was around.. 8? jeff was 4, owen was 12. we were the best of buds. weekends and after school were spent together. playing mortal combat. failing at table tennis, swimming pool runs, movies, dinner, EVERYTHING!!!
2. photos/status changes of those once near and dear to me from blacky high~ it made me sad~ made me wish i could've graduated with them. mucked up the school with them. and sat the last exams with them~
this group of people were the ones i spent most of my high school years with~ and i miss that.
i miss the green uniform. green checked DRESS. green jumper. marron and navy blue shorts for PE. ugly lockers. not having to bring bags to class. the boys and girls. the teachers. going to sick bay every 2nd day becuase im jew and want to make the best of the sick bay as im paying 20$ a year for it. the canteen. bolting for the 279 to go to box hill after school. welcoming new students each year. steve. BAHAHAHAH~ SHE'S A BEAST! mingling with the people i grew up with.
reminiscing about those days makes me sad and brings a tear to my eyes. i know at the time when i left BHS none of this had occured to me. but looking at the photos from the last couple of days, made me really think.
although RGHS has welcomed me into their 'community' (haha~ emerson RIGHT there.) i still feel like an outsider. so much i've missed out on. so many events, dramas and such.
right now. i want to go back to BHS. i miss everyone/everything there. who knows. captain could've been mine~ year 10 formal could've been better.
so it's finally come to that long anticipated moment. SCHOOL'S OUT. 13 years of schooling. FINISHED! no more worrying about assessments, tests, homework, the RIGHT shoes and clean uniform.
graduation was on 29th; Tuesday. at the time, it never hit me. never occured to me that this is it, no more school. I'M DONE. formal was last night; 30th; Wednesday. great night. everyone looked great. HOWEVER... those... imports.... HMMMSS... ughh.. okay. no comment. some unco grinding here and there. and also HER comment. hmmmmmmmmmmm. STFU ==' food was shit though... dry and tasteless... ><
ANYWAYS. my main point.. this is the end. no more school. and i must admit, it's quite upsetting. over the 13 years, i've gotten used to going to school. it was like a routine. there are some things that won't be missed SUCH AS!. NO MORE MORNING EXTENSION CLASSES! no more stupid roll call and assemblies NO MORE JUNIORS! and no more putting up with those whales on the school bus =]
teeheeee....... main thingss i'm going to miss will be: 1. eco lessons. bagging out sims, v-shape economy'ing, crabby, procrastinating. 2. recess and lunch. random convos, shitty canteen food 3. frees. BIG 2 HAHAHAHAH and jsut hanging out with those girls. =]
lalalala~ hsc in about 3 weeks. then its OFFICIAL. no more RGHS.
2 weeks, 14 days. not that long. yet... it feels like forever. THEN WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD!
i can't think about you, every time i do, tears begin to swell up. saying goodbye and kissing you goodbye and walking away today was an incredibly hard thing to do.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!
i confess, here on blogdrive, for everyone's eyes to see. that i am '150thousand%' IN LOVE WITH YOU!
and hereby declaring that i want to spend the rest of my life with you! he IS the 'one'.
the next 14 days will be one of the toughest 14 days.
i've come to the realisation that they absolutely DON'T CARE.
some have said, i should just give in; talk to them. but i think. why? why should i? why can't i be immature for once? i am after all.. youngest in the 'group'. why can't THEY admitt that they're the one in the WRONG? why must i apologize?
apologize for what exactly... for having 'friends' that DON'T CARE?
why must i put up with being treated in a degrading manner? why are YOU allowed to have an attitude? who the FUCK put you in charge?
WHY MUST I CHANGE? WHY IS IT MY FAULT?
so many questions that will NEVER be answered.
this is the end. it's like you never existed.
you ALL don't know me. you may THINK you do! but you don't know the slightest bit!
at times i regret it all. the time i wasted.
just give me my money buddy! and we will go our separate ways. i've had enough of your bullshit. you, go wallow in your downward spiralling puddle of FAIL. while i will live my life happily. like i fkn deserve!.
ok so today, found out some CHILLING (yet, surprisingly im able to rationalise ad treat it normally) news. BONE CANCER. oh just fucking great... just when MY hsc is around the corner. this basically means GOODBYE HIGH 80's and HELLO to low 70's or maybe even mystery mark??
with this new discovery, it basically means, I will become to mother of the house. I will have to do the cooking, cleaning, BUYING OF FOODS? because SHE will be lying on the bed doing shit all and being fucking annoying like always. and edward.. lets see, he will continue to be a little pain. not listening to shit all, thinking he is the boss. demanding things. BEING FUCKING ANNOYING!
everything will be UP TO ME. more stress ontop of THE ALREADY FUCKING STRESSFUL HSC! hence, GOODBYE HSC. GOODBYE FUCKING FUTURE!
what the hell did i do to deserve this bullshit?
so i wonder.. how much trauma can i really handle? 2 relapses of cancer, moving interstate TWICE, domestic problems, LIES and other CLASSIFIED stuff all this BEFORE IM EVEN 18!
hmms.. growing up fast, childhood taken away. knowing ONLY one parent. no father figure.
wow! GG! I LOVE MY FUCKING LIFE!
"my life HAS been spiralling down into a dakr abyss" LITERALLY!
WHEN! ( i wonder quite often ) will things start to look better? APPARENTLY, according to my ex nanny, things will take a turn once i hit 18. well! i turn 18 soon, and with the situation now i doubt anything good will come out of it!
mum often asks "why are you so aggro? how come you act as if youre annoyed all the time?" WELL! think of all the shit this family has put me through! NONE OF THIS WAS MY CHOICE! i NEVER wanted ANY of these events to occur. THINK of all the ways you've pushed me. all your fucked up policies... all YOUR problems!
if i had a choice, i would turn back time, and prefer to not be born. as a foetus, knowing all this would happen, i would choose to not get conceived. id choose to become the monthly discharge, and get flushed away, permanently. yes, suicide even before my first heartbeat.
the quote "what doesnt kill you just makes you stronger" ok. OBVIOUSLY ALL THIS BULLSHIT HASNT KILLED ME. but it has affected me. affected me mentally.
contributed to my constant search for a father figure. and when i find a potential figure, they disappoint. let me down, break my heart into a million pieces then chuck the pieces to all 4 corners of the world.
you could say im still on the look for that father figure. maybe i will find him, maybe i wont.
what has REALLY surprised me is, that i've not tried to suicide? year 9-10, self harm was all around me.. everyone around me was doing it. you could say it was a trend then. i reckon my cowardness played a part in that. me being afraid of pain. afraid of self infliction.
maybe its time i turned bitter. maybe its time to come out of my shell. show my emotions. show how ive been affected. be selfish. put my needs first.
question is, can i? ive basically been 'programmed' to rationalise everything, bottle everything up, be 'happy'.
can i really be selfish.? can i put my wants and needs first? can i cancel everyone out and put myself first?
oh gosh, i need to see a psychiatrist. or maybe even school counsellor.
speaking of counsellor, i walked past her shonky little storeroom office room thing today while going to the bathroom and i was considering talking to her.
now because of today, i have more of an obligation to go see her. its time i got counselling. i need it, it will benefit me i suppose.
i dont know. im confused. any insight please dont hesitate to let me know.
anyways.. like the heading says... fuck off TBS nad KOREANS.
you might be thinking why i hate TB's and KOREANS so much.
wells. FIRSTLY. TB's i was once tb, i admitt it. the hair the going out the dress sense THE EVERYTHING... looking back, i dont regret it. it was RATHER fun. but the TB's we have in society now.. HMM! yuck! FUCK OFF PLEASE?
how gross. these TEENYBOPPERS act all 'hard' and 'gangster' and for what purpose? to gain 'face' and just a little bit more acceptance in the world because their home lives and school lives are so FUCKED up. and are desperate to be recognised.
and what the fuck is with all these cunts SHUFFLING? i mean, i personally enjoy shuffling, i like it, i think its rather cool =] but these TB's take it too far! shuffling to impress. HOW FUCKING SAD. shuffling should be to EXPRESS.
the hair. tbh, i like it. but not on 10 year olds. not on WHITE people. and not on UGLY FUCKERS WHO SHOULDN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE AT ALL.
next. KOREANS. believe me, i used to like them. i thought they were just fine. i had NOTHING against them. now, theyre nothing much slit eyed landmine prone assholes to me.
my hate of koreans is prompted by 'him' i promised myself i wouldnt blog about him again, but HE is the reason why ive turned against koreans.
HE broke my heart. HE fucked me over. HARD. HE was the frist guy i CRIED over. pfft... how can i NOT despise him?
call me vain. I DONT GIVE A SHIT! they all have slitty eyes. fucked up faces, retarded legs WHATEVER! fuck!
at work today the song 'insatiable' came on. yes, i was intrigued by it and i did enjoy it and kinda hoped that it would keep playing. and inside my head, i made a mental note "when i get home, listen to insatiable" and thats exactly what i did.
now.. i cant get it out of my head. its actually rather annoying too!
