i'm meant to be studying for tomorrows english paper 1 exam.
but i feel.. slow. like nothing is going to sink in.
i took a chocolate hit and a can of redbull, not working~
so then i ponder around on facebook (as i do when im bored...)
some things happened/i realised blah blah blahhhh

1. saw a photo of jeff. LOL! that kid has changed since the last time i saw him. which was too long ago to remember~
i miss those days~
i was around.. 8? jeff was 4, owen was 12.
we were the best of buds. weekends and after school were spent together.
playing mortal combat. failing at table tennis, swimming pool runs, movies, dinner, EVERYTHING!!!

2. photos/status changes of those once near and dear to me from blacky high~
it made me sad~ made me wish i could've graduated with them. mucked up the school with them. and sat the last exams with them~

this group of people were the ones i spent most of my high school years with~
and i miss that.

i miss the green uniform.
green checked DRESS.
green jumper.
marron and navy blue shorts for PE.
ugly lockers.
not having to bring bags to class.
the boys and girls.
the teachers.
going to sick bay every 2nd day becuase im jew and want to make the best of the sick bay as im paying 20$ a year for it.
the canteen.
bolting for the 279 to go to box hill after school.
welcoming new students each year.
steve. BAHAHAHAH~ SHE'S A BEAST!
mingling with the people i grew up with.

reminiscing about those days makes me sad and brings a tear to my eyes.
i know at the time when i left BHS none of this had occured to me.
but looking at the photos from the last couple of days, made me really think.

although RGHS has welcomed me into their 'community' (haha~ emerson RIGHT there.)
i still feel like an outsider.
so much i've missed out on. so many events, dramas and such.

right now. i want to go back to BHS.
i miss everyone/everything there.
who knows. captain could've been mine~
year 10 formal could've been better.

so it's finally come to that long anticipated moment. SCHOOL'S OUT.
13 years of schooling. FINISHED!
no more worrying about assessments, tests, homework, the RIGHT shoes and clean uniform.

graduation was on 29th; Tuesday.
at the time, it never hit me. never occured to me that this is it, no more school. I'M DONE.
formal was last night; 30th; Wednesday.
great night. everyone looked great.
HOWEVER... those... imports.... HMMMSS... ughh.. okay. no comment. some unco grinding here and there.
and also HER comment. hmmmmmmmmmmm. STFU =='
food was shit though... dry and tasteless... ><

ANYWAYS.
my main point..
this is the end. no more school.
and i must admit, it's quite upsetting.
over the 13 years, i've gotten used to going to school. it was like a routine.
there are some things that won't be missed SUCH AS!.
NO MORE MORNING EXTENSION CLASSES!
no more stupid roll call and assemblies
NO MORE JUNIORS!
and no more putting up with those whales on the school bus =]

teeheeee.......
main thingss i'm going to miss will be:
1. eco lessons. bagging out sims, v-shape economy'ing, crabby, procrastinating.
2. recess and lunch. random convos, shitty canteen food
3. frees. BIG 2 HAHAHAHAH
and jsut hanging out with those girls. =]

lalalala~
hsc in about 3 weeks.
then its OFFICIAL. no more RGHS.

GOODLUCKKKKK BITCHASSS =]
xx

going through my mid MID-LIFE CRISIS.


where has that sense of 'belonging' gone?
do i still belong?

are they who i think they are?

ok so today, found out some CHILLING (yet, surprisingly im able to rationalise ad treat it normally) news. BONE CANCER.
oh just fucking great... just when MY hsc is around the corner.
this basically means GOODBYE HIGH 80's and HELLO to low 70's or maybe even mystery mark??

with this new discovery, it basically means, I will become to mother of the house.
I will have to do the cooking, cleaning, BUYING OF FOODS?
because SHE will be lying on the bed doing shit all and being fucking annoying like always.
and edward.. lets see, he will continue to be a little pain. not listening to shit all, thinking he is the boss. demanding things. BEING FUCKING ANNOYING!

everything will be UP TO ME.
more stress ontop of THE ALREADY FUCKING STRESSFUL HSC!
hence, GOODBYE HSC. GOODBYE FUCKING FUTURE!

what the hell did i do to deserve this bullshit?

so i wonder.. how much trauma can i really handle?
2 relapses of cancer, moving interstate TWICE, domestic problems, LIES and other CLASSIFIED stuff
all this BEFORE IM EVEN 18!

hmms.. growing up fast, childhood taken away.
knowing ONLY one parent.
no father figure.

wow! GG! I LOVE MY FUCKING LIFE!

"my life HAS been spiralling down into a dakr abyss"
LITERALLY!

WHEN! ( i wonder quite often ) will things start to look better?
APPARENTLY, according to my ex nanny, things will take a turn once i hit 18.
well!
i turn 18 soon, and with the situation now i doubt anything good will come out of it!

mum often asks "why are you so aggro? how come you act as if youre annoyed all the time?"
WELL! think of all the shit this family has put me through!
NONE OF THIS WAS MY CHOICE!
i NEVER wanted ANY of these events to occur.
THINK of all the ways you've pushed me. all your fucked up policies...
all YOUR problems!

if i had a choice, i would turn back time, and prefer to not be born. as a foetus, knowing all this would happen, i would choose to not get conceived.
id choose to become the monthly discharge, and get flushed away, permanently.
yes, suicide even before my first heartbeat.

the quote "what doesnt kill you just makes you stronger"
ok. OBVIOUSLY ALL THIS BULLSHIT HASNT KILLED ME.
but it has affected me. affected me mentally.

contributed to my constant search for a father figure.
and when i find a potential figure, they disappoint. let me down, break my heart into a million pieces then chuck the pieces to all 4 corners of the world.

you could say im still on the look for that father figure.
maybe i will find him, maybe i wont.

what has REALLY surprised me is, that i've not tried to suicide?
year 9-10, self harm was all around me.. everyone around me was doing it.
you could say it was a trend then.
i reckon my cowardness played a part in that.
me being afraid of pain. afraid of self infliction.


maybe its time i turned bitter.
maybe its time to come out of my shell. show my emotions.
show how ive been affected.
be selfish. put my needs first.

question is, can i?
ive basically been 'programmed' to rationalise everything, bottle everything up, be 'happy'.

can i really be selfish.? can i put my wants and needs first? can i cancel everyone out and put myself first?

oh gosh, i need to see a psychiatrist. or maybe even school counsellor.

speaking of counsellor, i walked past her shonky little storeroom office room thing today while going to the bathroom
and i was considering talking to her.

now because of today, i have more of an obligation to go see her.
its time i got counselling. i need it, it will benefit me i suppose.

i dont know. im confused. any insight please dont hesitate to let me know.


im going to have my little emo session now.



over and out.

today, miki's bbq.
epically FAIL!

anyways.. like the heading says...
fuck off TBS nad KOREANS.

you might be thinking why i hate TB's and KOREANS so much.

wells. FIRSTLY. TB's
i was once tb, i admitt it.
the hair the going out the dress sense THE EVERYTHING...
looking back, i dont regret it. it was RATHER fun.
but the TB's we have in society now.. HMM!
yuck! FUCK OFF PLEASE?

how gross. these TEENYBOPPERS act all 'hard' and 'gangster' and for what purpose?
to gain 'face' and just a little bit more acceptance in the world because their home lives and school lives are so FUCKED up. and are desperate to be recognised.

and what the fuck is with all these cunts SHUFFLING?
i mean, i personally enjoy shuffling, i like it, i think its rather cool =] but these TB's take it too far!
shuffling to impress. HOW FUCKING SAD.
shuffling should be to EXPRESS.

the hair.
tbh, i like it.
but not on 10 year olds.
not on WHITE people.
and not on UGLY FUCKERS WHO SHOULDN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE AT ALL.


next.
KOREANS.
believe me, i used to like them.
i thought they were just fine. i had NOTHING against them.
now, theyre nothing much slit eyed landmine prone assholes to me.

my hate of koreans is prompted by 'him'
i promised myself i wouldnt blog about him again, but HE is the reason why ive turned against koreans.

HE broke my heart. HE fucked me over. HARD.
HE was the frist guy i CRIED over. pfft... how can i NOT despise him?

call me vain. I DONT GIVE A SHIT!
they all have slitty eyes. fucked up faces, retarded legs WHATEVER!
fuck!

yes i hate koreans because of him.



ughh...
fuck this. i cannot be bothered anymore.

bottom line. GO FUCK YOURSELF TB'S AND KOREANS =]


OVER AND OUT!

at work today the song
'insatiable' came on.
yes, i was intrigued by it and i did enjoy it and kinda hoped that it would keep playing.
and inside my head, i made a mental note "when i get home, listen to insatiable"
and thats exactly what i did.

now.. i cant get it out of my head. its actually rather annoying too!

all my life you've been the person i looked up to.
you were the one who single handly raised me.

but ever since you DAMN illness.
i had to do EVERY GOD DAMN THING !
read AND translate bullshit letters.
make bullshit phone calls.
and NEVER did you say thank you. NOT EVEN ONCE!
issit really that hard to say thank you? 2 simple WORDS! in chinese its just a repeat of 1 word. 谢谢
FUCKEN SIMPLE.

since edward was born
i was the one looking after him.
i was in year 4. where did my childhood go? maybe thats why my (non-existant) childhood memories are so vague!
I GREW UP WAY TOO DAMN FAST!
11 year olds ARE NOT MEANT TO PLAY THE MOTHER FIGURE!
why the FUCK should i have to look after him at such a young age?
why did i have to get up in the middle of the night for his once every 2 hour feeds?
why me? why couldnt you do it? you are afer all the mother.....

when i did things for you, it was NEVER up to you standards.
nothing was ever good enough for you.
you're NEVER happy at the results i give you.

you ALWAYS compared me to how you were "when you were my age"
dont you get it?
new millenium... NEW TECHNOLOGIES!
LIFE ISNT THE SAME FOR ME AS IT WAS FOR YOU!

im almost 18, yet, i still cannot make the simple decisions for myself.
why is it that i have to go to usyd!
why not unsw?
why not uts?
oh wait.. ITS BECAUSE USYD HAS A GOOD REPUTATION!
just like randwick girls.
BULL FUCKING SHIT!
rghs has a shit rep!
its only good because its ranked in the top 200 schools in nsw.
but think about it.. how many schools are there in nsw anYway?
rghs probably ranked 199th.
and yet its still in the top 200.

you always listen to what everyone else says.
NEVER what i say.
someone else says "rghs is a good school!"
me "rghs is a shit hole!"
you "dont be ridiculous, rghs is one of the best schools in nsw"

YOU DONT GO TO RGHS!
HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW?

YOU DONT GO TO USYD!
HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW ITS A GOOD UNI!

what makes a school/uni good?
ITS THE DAM TEACHERS... if you dont have goo teachers you get shit school simple.

just because usyd is internationally renowned, DOES NOT MEAN ITS A GOOD SCHOOL.
what if the teachers of the course i want to do are shit!
OH WAIT!
you dont fucking care!
you just want to be known as "the lady who's daughter goes to usyd"
you dont care about what i want.

all you care about are your own feelings.
all you care about are you fucking needs.
all you care about is if youre happy.
you dont care if im happy.
youve never asked me if its what i want.
you never ask me if im happy.

you always say that im lucky.
how the hell am i lucky? i dont get to make life's most simplest of choices.

everythings about you...
you you you!

growing up you planted in my head that when i grow up i WILL marry a rich guy.
he will have a mansion..
good carS and be handsome AND WHITE.

truth is.. i dont want any of those.
i dont want a rich guy. I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
i dont want a mansion. I WANT TO BE HAPPY
i dont want 'good carS'. I WANT TO BE FUCKING HAPPY!
i DONT want white and handsome! i want to be GOD DAMN FUCKING HAPPY for a change!!
i want what i want!
not what you want.

I AM NOT MATERIALISTIC!!! I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!

nothing i do will EVER be enough for you.


tonight.
she discovered that john likes me. [okay whatever...]
she then lectures me... says that when i grow up [like i havent already]
i need to marry someone RICH. [what if i dont want to?]
she then goes on about how i shouldnt get so close to john.
as i will form feelings for him
or, he will think i like him too.
its like she knows everything.
IF YOU KNOW EVERYTHING! HOW COME YOU DONT KNOW THAT WERE TOGETHER?


past week or 2..
pushing me to go dance.
dance with old men.. in their 50's
fucking wrinkly to the max!
WHY!
ok i get it.. to get 'into shape'
i know im not perfect, but why keep telling me!
i know my flaws! i dont need you to remind me every single day!
would it make your day if i stopped eating?
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STOP EATING!!

why do you get to make all the decisions about my life.

why dont you let me know my father!
just because he hurt you....
DOES NOT MEAN I DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW HIM!
JUST YOU WATCH! I WILL FIND OUT ABOUT HIM!
maybe all the stuff you told me about him was a lie.
so that i could detest him too. just like the way you do.
what did he do to you to deserve this!
did he even really leave you?

my last name is the cloest thing i have to dad.
im not changing my name when i turn 18.
why should i.
SO YOU CAN TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME!
you've already taken my childhood.
what more do you want?
MY 'NON EXISTANT' FATHER TOO?
well you've basically almost done that already.
you never tell me anything about him.
you never show me any photos.
you never talk about him.
I AM NOT CHANGING MY NAME. IM KEEPING YANG!

it feels like youre punishing me.
punishing me for all the bad men you've had in your life.
ITS NOT MY FAULT! >=[

and your little wiat no.. ITS NOT LITTLE ITS FUCKIGN HUGE problem!
you need to get that fixed.
its ruining MY LIFE.

TO THINK THAT I ONCE WANTED WHAT YOU WANT.
the money
the house
the cars
MORE MONEY
etc etc...
FUCKING SHAME ON ME!
I DONT WANT THEM AT ALL!
and if i EVER get those,  it will just be an added bonus to all THE SHIT i had to go through BECAUSE OF YOU!

youve already ruined my childhood. I HAVE NO CHILDHOOD.
im not going to let you ruin my adulthood either!
FUCK YOU!



sometimes i wonder if you really do love me...



CANNOT WAIT TILL THE DAY I MOVE OUT.


maybe i should get a counsellor.

DO YOU EVEN FUCKEN CARE ABOUT WHAT I WANT?

WHY DONT YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I WANT FOR A CHANGE!

WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE TO YOUR FUCKING INTERESTS?

MONEY MONEY MONEY!

fuck you!

WHAT ABOUT MY DAMN HAPPINESS?

OR IS YOUR HAPPIENESS JUST WAY TOO FUCKEN IMPORTANT THAN MINE?!

IS IT BECAUSE YOU NEVER GOT THAT 'WEALTHY' HUSBAND THAT YOU WANT ME TO HAVE SO BADLY!

THAT YOURE FUCKING MAKING ME GET ONE!

WHY SHOULD I HAVE THE LIFE YOU NEVER HAD!

ITS YOUR FUCKING DREAM!

NOT FUCKING MINE!

 

I CANNOT WAIT TO FUCKING MOVE OUT!

FUCK THISSSS!!!!!!

FUCK YOU!